Change... Everything is changing and I know I can't stop it, but i'm just not used to it. School was what all of us had known for most of our lives. Get up, get ready, go to school, see friends, ignore teachers, come home, study, eat, go to bed... I mean for most people that is how it went for 18 years straight and now everything is so different. Like I said I don't mind change, but for the most part I like it in moderation. Small portions... But this... all of this... Going off to college, moving to California, friends leaving, not seeing people anymore... It just gets lonely. I know people have to move on with their lives and my day is almost here too, but seriously. When did this all happen?! When did we all grow up and graduate and go to college?!!! A month ago I would have told anyone that I want to be in California right now. I don't have anything here. I never had the family I had hoped for, or the love I wanted... but now... I realize that my everything is here! My friends are my family and they are here... About 80 percent of them anyway. And I'm falling for a guy who lives here, and I can tell he likes me too! I've never been able to tell it before, but with him I can and I don't want to leave all this. For 19 years, this stuff is what has kept me going. What's going to be my drive when I move... if I move. Yes my dreams, but I've heard that saying about "there's a moment when you have to stop doing what you want to do and start doing what you were meant to do"... what if i'm not meant to act! It's what I love yes, but what if i'm meant to be a janitor, or a waitress?! Nothing makes sense right now other than the fact that I've realized that I do love South Dakota, it's this friggin house that I hate! The people in it, the feeling it gives me... It just isn't right! I don't know what i'm doing or what to do anymore. My best friend is more than likely moving 2 hours away, I'm falling for someone who lives here, and I don't want to leave... I know I need to, but I don't want to!

When people say to forget the past I don't think they think that through... What about the good memories. What about the time when we all went to the hotel and hung out or my 18th bday party, or my 13th bday party for God's sake! Being 7 again, with my best friend whom I now have fallen for?! What is this?! I am never going to forget my past. No I can't live in it, but my past is my present and my future! It's always there. Most people want to forget this place and high school but I'm the crazy one again who wants that all back! I don't even know if i'm making sense anymore!! This all started last night when I came SO close to dying... and by a coyote... WHAT A WAY TO GO! Preston talked me through the entire thing. He stayed up until after two in the morning to talk me through it all! Then today he kept asking are you alright, are you ok?! Are you sure? THAT moment was when I started getting confused and now here I am rambling about it in a journal! What am I supposed to do?!?! I don't know!! It's three in the morning and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore... Why do things never fall into place for some people? Why do we have to lose everything when we just found it?....... God Help Me........


~Lost and torn~